no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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