My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Randomize
