I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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