had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
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