angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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