hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Randomize
