i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
