girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
