My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
