Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
