sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
