maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
