either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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