rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
