Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
