Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
