i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
