Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
