its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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