Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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