I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
