nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
