After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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