I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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