I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Randomize
