I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
