I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
