I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
