made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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