Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
