can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Do you remember whose house we're in?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
