My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Too much gin, very little bucket
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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