Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
