Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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