I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
