Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
