I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
