I'm eating all of the evidence.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
