I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
