I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
