I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
She bit a glass in half.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
