Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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