I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
