We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
