I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
