barbara walters just said penis...
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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