if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
