considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
