I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
We are two peas in an std pod
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
