The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
